Wallowing

Debbie Downers, come wallow with me. :)

Last night, I began to once again question why I am riding. Is it for fun? For competition? Do I want this to be a hobby, or an extension of my life? Do I just want to be able to control a horse down a trail, or, wear the top hat and tails of a Grand Prix rider? I feel like when I hit a certain point in my lessons, I begin to doubt what it is that I want out of my riding lessons. Doubt myself.

And then I realize the problem is that what I want is so much more than what I can have at this time in my life. I want a horse, I want to ride seven days a week, and I want to compete. Reality? I have a full time job, part time writing gig, two books in the works, a husband and a family who wants to see me regularly. And on top of that, we want a family someday soon. Plus, I just can't afford a horse right now.

So last night, for some reason, it all came to a head. Riding is not a hobby for me, in my heart. And right now, at this time, it has to be. And I hate it. I feel as if I am banging my head against a wall that, someday, might break away. Plus, there is a horse at my barn that could be for sale, and I am completely in l-o-v-e with him. Which is not a good thing, because I can't buy him at this moment, and if he is sold....it will completely break my heart.

So, what to do? A wise friend told me that being a great rider should be the ultimate goal in my life, if that's what I want. That I can be all that I want, but it's going to take patience.

Which I agree. But today, I'm just going to be a little down, thinking I have so much to do and so little control over certain things. I'll be back to my old DG self tomorrow. :)